A close friend told me I wouldn’t remember many memories of Levi in these first several months. When I mentioned that to my mom she agreed she didn’t have many memories of the first several months of mine or my sisters lives either. I have been thinking about this almost daily since it was first mentioned to me a few weeks ago. Not being able to recall this crucial, life changing time, these precious moments as our family has grown and we begin to get to know our amazing son. This idea is both frustrating and disheartening.
We prayed for and waited for our little man to arrive for what seemed like a very long time. To think now that he is here we won’t be able to soak up, cling tight, and think back on each little blessing and new milestone.
I couldn’t accept this. I decided to rack my brain on how I can remedy and prevent this in order to make sure I know, I remember, I don’t forget. I think the only possible solution I can find is to right it all down. I know that in a way this is kind of like snapping a picture. While it is great to capture that moment, once you do you won’t really truly know if it is your real and raw memory you are thinking back on or if the words or pictures are what you know and the actual moment is forgotten. So that is why I don’t love this solution. Because I’m scared it would amount to me brain dumping the memories and then losing them out of my brain because I have unloaded them to paper. However, not knowing, not remembering, forgetting all together seems wholly worse.
So I intend to write as much as I can as often as I can so that the memories won’t disappear and be lost forever.
The only other solution I am attempting, in addition, is to think back on the last day, last week, last month when I pause in the breaks of my day. Pause to see what I can recall. And hope that by recalling these precious moments repeatedly I can force them into the long term storage cabinet in my brain. Force them into a wall of milestones like a gallery I can visit anytime. I can’t tell yet if this is working to make the memories last but I can tell you that recalling the sweet moments of the last day or week makes the present even brighter. Especially when I’m at work and unable to see his silly smile in person.
Yesterday we got him to have a giggle fit by tickling his sides. Every day he is soothed by the Old MacDonald song. Last week he spewed his sweet potatoes out a little and when some landed on my face it brought all of us into a giggle fit. Sunday night my mom got him giggling by sounding like the vampire on Hotel Transylvania “blah de blah” and he has continued to laugh at that sound. Probably because after the above mentioned sweet potato incident he got a bath and Nate had him laughing while making pretend barfing noises as he got him ready for the bath. As you can tell, I have cherished the giggles especially lately because they are one of his newer milestones, especially getting him to do them consistently. Sammi said she got him to giggle by tickling him under the armpits. He smiles wide when Nate kisses the back of his neck. He likes pulling my hair and has quite the strong grip. The last two nights we have read him “Obi-1-2-3” a Star Wars counting book and he has loved it, especially the pictures. He falls asleep best to Amazing Grace but we have been throwing in a few other lullabies and even Silent Night lately. He loves watching videos, especially if himself or other babies. He likes taking selfies and face-timing, while trying to grab the phone and eat it. We have bought him a few different Halloween outfits this year and I’m excited to see how he likes wearing his Yoda hat. Grandma bought him a plush Goofy with the book to go with it like she did with other characters when my niece was little. He loves it, mostly because he can try to eat Goofy’s face. He is chewing on more stuff lately and drooling more. I hope that means we get to see some adorable front teeth soon. He likes eating vegetables but likes playing with them more, so far the only one he doesn’t like is peas lol. Today he is asleep in my arms, using his arms to wrap around me on both sides like he is giving me a hug… this is his favorite way to sleep, perhaps because it is my favorite too.
I love all these little moments. I do hope I can remember them as time passes. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak in the gift that is the present.