Category: work life balance

Sparking joy instead of “angry cleaning”

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I started the break with the best of intentions. Plans to clean house, play with my son, spend time with family and apply for jobs. As is typical when faced with more time than usual, time disappeared faster than usual.

We had my father-in-law in town the entire first week of break and then we drove to Odessa that Friday to bring him home as well as spend New Years weekend visiting with our friends. While my father-in-law was in town, I was able to get some cleaning done but with holiday festivities, packing for a trip (our first with our 8 month old son) and trying to entertain him and my baby, the week flew by. New Years weekend was a whirlwind of visiting with friends and family from back home that we don’t get to see often enough. When we got back January 1st, knowing my hubby was supposed to go back to work the next day we tried to soak up the last evening of his holiday break. I convinced my grandma to come in town on January 2nd to stay for a few days and play with my son while I attempted to clean house. That morning, while waiting for her to arrive I began watching “Tidying Up.” This was a blessing and a curse, for as anyone who watches the show has seen, you must first bring everything out. Sorting, throwing out, categorizing and putting everything away takes much longer than getting it all out. So my house is still a mess. Most of it is an organized, work in progress, mess that will be much better by the end of the month. And even though the house is nowhere near finished and currently looks worse than before, I have already begun to feel a sense of calm. My husband agrees he does as well. We have begun to be excited about the space we have and all the things we can do with it. We rearranged our living room, which has made everything feel so much more open already. This week we will rearrange our bedroom and next the front room. We have also already sorted all of my son’s and hubby’s clothes and the kitchen (except the pantry.) We already have several huge bags full of donations and carted off three huge bags full of trash.

Even though I did not get around to applying for a single job, I feel I was productive and purposeful over the break. We even had time to go to the Cowboys v Seahawks playoff game!!!! Which was AMAZING! I may not have accomplished all I intended, but I am proud of how we spent our time.

Marie Kondo mentioned “joy” a lot in her show “Tidying Up.” I have a special fondness for this word, as it is my maiden name.  Despite my familiarity and fondness, using the word to describe tidying, cleaning, or any other form of house work was new to me. I had never thought before about how to enjoy the tasks or how to approach decluttering with anything but nostalgia and procrastination. In my house, we have often “angry cleaned” more than regular cleaned. The dishes and laundry often pile too high and live in various states of progress. I have never found enjoyment in house work before. But by being intentional about what objects we keep in our home and how they make us feel, I am beginning to feel calm and joy more often and worry a lot less.

Rest

kburns88Leave a comment

I try to abide.
My nails bitten off
Show I cannot hide.
Stress, frustrations
Beatings from all sides.

Showered, fed, straight to bed.
Exhaustion demands,
No other master.
House disaster.
Hanging by a thread
Til pillow meets head.

Awaken too soon,
At least it is to his little smile.
To me, he hung the moon.
My first born, my baby boy.
He is my high every day,
he brings us so much joy.

Drained of all energy,
Leaving my job sounds tempting.
How else can I hold on to me?
But I wasn’t raised on quitting.

How does anyone balance?
The all consuming brain of motherhood
With everything else?
Nothing else stands a chance.

Only this matters.
Only our family,
And our marriage.

Priorities have shifted.
But if I don’t let go
Of all this strain
The crushing weight will never be lifted.

I don’t want to miss
His first word,
Crawl and step.
I know I am losing moments
That can’t be replaced.
No paycheck,
No good work,
Could mean more
Than seeing him grow.
If I’m not there enough,
Will he even know?
I’m his mommy,
But is that what our time shows?

Feels like we get very little
Time
And only one chance.

It all comes down to this-
What I once gave to willingly,
Was devoted to without question,
It…. it can no longer have
All my time and attention.

I am going rogue because
there has to be a balance.
A way to not feel-
Like I’m ripped apart.
When I started in this profession
It was truly from my heart-
To serve and help and teach-
A love of learning
Is always within reach.

I know these students are worthwhile,
They need someone to see past grades
And how they perform on tests.
They need teachers who believe in them
And they deserve the very best.
But this mommy has to give it a rest.

Procrastinating my obstacles

kburns88Leave a comment

I keep thinking I will have time to deal with that struggle or frustration later. Right now, I have to get work done, eat my lunch, wash the dishes, drive to run errands, etc. There are always items on the lists of things I need to get done. Some have to wait til tomorrow and cannot get done today. Like the inspection on my car that I have to get done before Monday. It will have to wait buried under the pile of papers that also must be finished by Monday but really should be done before then so that my students have them. The laundry I need to get done has to wait even though I am down to the uncomfortable clothes. So much that has to wait and so much that has to be done.

I was talking to my coworkers about a section from Shonda Rhimes “A Year of Yes” book where she explains how she cannot “do it all.” How excelling in one area of your life means missing or falling short in another area.  I think it is true for everyone but I feel it more now, in motherhood because my time is more valuable now. My time that I can spend with Levi has now become more valuable to me than spending that time doing pretty much anything else. This is both healthy and unhealthy, I know. And someday, a balance will happen. Someday. But today, I have many, many essays to grade and a baby I can’t wait to hold. So, this may be my only post this week. I may put off other things that I want to do and I will definitely put off things that I do not want to do. Because I will not look back and wish I had worked more.

But for now, I will share that I had an amazing day with my students who, I think, felt inspired as well. We were using Langston Hughes’ “Harlem” poem as a mentor text to write our own. I read some truly amazing responses that really made me happy, even if their topic was sad, because these kids are feeling more confident and more like writers every day. That is our goal this year- to help our kids see themselves as writers and readers. I think because this is our goal, and we have very intentional lessons to help make this happen, we are succeeding at this much more than we ever have. I feel very hopeful.

My poem from today was about burying deep down and avoiding dealing with my own frustrations, struggles, postpartum, loss, etc. I am good at avoiding conflict and I am decent at ‘faking it til I make it.’ Mostly because a lot of it is too overwhelming to deal with all of at once. So I take a spoonful of it at a time. All the while wishing a spoonful of sugar would help the troubles disappear (I already have them down.) But I do wonder, what will happen if I keep bucking up and dealing with my day to day while not dealing with the difficult stuff? I don’t know. I can only hope that it will wait to implode until I can deal with it a spoonful at a time. Because that is all I can handle of the bitter and sad feelings at a time, a spoonful.

(my poem as inspired by Langston Hughes’ “Harlem”)

What happens to a sadness buried?

Does it wither

like a flower without water?

Or multiply like an infection-

and then spread?

Does it hide in plain sight like an invisibility cloak?

or rise and boil over

like a neglected pot?

Maybe it just drags like a weight chained to your ankle.

Or does it destroy?