Tag: uncertainty

Precious moments

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A close friend told me I wouldn’t remember many memories of Levi in these first several months. When I mentioned that to my mom she agreed she didn’t have many memories of the first several months of mine or my sisters lives either. I have been thinking about this almost daily since it was first mentioned to me a few weeks ago. Not being able to recall this crucial, life changing time, these precious moments as our family has grown and we begin to get to know our amazing son. This idea is both frustrating and disheartening.

We prayed for and waited for our little man to arrive for what seemed like a very long time. To think now that he is here we won’t be able to soak up, cling tight, and think back on each little blessing and new milestone.

I couldn’t accept this. I decided to rack my brain on how I can remedy and prevent this in order to make sure I know, I remember, I don’t forget. I think the only possible solution I can find is to right it all down. I know that in a way this is kind of like snapping a picture. While it is great to capture that moment, once you do you won’t really truly know if it is your real and raw memory you are thinking back on or if the words or pictures are what you know and the actual moment is forgotten. So that is why I don’t love this solution. Because I’m scared it would amount to me brain dumping the memories and then losing them out of my brain because I have unloaded them to paper. However, not knowing, not remembering, forgetting all together seems wholly worse.

So I intend to write as much as I can as often as I can so that the memories won’t disappear and be lost forever.

The only other solution I am attempting, in addition, is to think back on the last day, last week, last month when I pause in the breaks of my day. Pause to see what I can recall. And hope that by recalling these precious moments repeatedly I can force them into the long term storage cabinet in my brain. Force them into a wall of milestones like a gallery I can visit anytime. I can’t tell yet if this is working to make the memories last but I can tell you that recalling the sweet moments of the last day or week makes the present even brighter. Especially when I’m at work and unable to see his silly smile in person.

Yesterday we got him to have a giggle fit by tickling his sides. Every day he is soothed by the Old MacDonald song. Last week he spewed his sweet potatoes out a little and when some landed on my face it brought all of us into a giggle fit. Sunday night my mom got him giggling by sounding like the vampire on Hotel Transylvania “blah de blah” and he has continued to laugh at that sound. Probably because after the above mentioned sweet potato incident he got a bath and Nate had him laughing while making pretend barfing noises as he got him ready for the bath. As you can tell, I have cherished the giggles especially lately because they are one of his newer milestones, especially getting him to do them consistently. Sammi said she got him to giggle by tickling him under the armpits. He smiles wide when Nate kisses the back of his neck. He likes pulling my hair and has quite the strong grip. The last two nights we have read him “Obi-1-2-3” a Star Wars counting book and he has loved it, especially the pictures. He falls asleep best to Amazing Grace but we have been throwing in a few other lullabies and even Silent Night lately. He loves watching videos, especially if himself or other babies. He likes taking selfies and face-timing, while trying to grab the phone and eat it. We have bought him a few different Halloween outfits this year and I’m excited to see how he likes wearing his Yoda hat. Grandma bought him a plush Goofy with the book to go with it like she did with other characters when my niece was little. He loves it, mostly because he can try to eat Goofy’s face. He is chewing on more stuff lately and drooling more. I hope that means we get to see some adorable front teeth soon. He likes eating vegetables but likes playing with them more, so far the only one he doesn’t like is peas lol. Today he is asleep in my arms, using his arms to wrap around me on both sides like he is giving me a hug… this is his favorite way to sleep, perhaps because it is my favorite too.

I love all these little moments. I do hope I can remember them as time passes. In the meantime, I’m trying to soak in the gift that is the present.

Rest

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I try to abide.
My nails bitten off
Show I cannot hide.
Stress, frustrations
Beatings from all sides.

Showered, fed, straight to bed.
Exhaustion demands,
No other master.
House disaster.
Hanging by a thread
Til pillow meets head.

Awaken too soon,
At least it is to his little smile.
To me, he hung the moon.
My first born, my baby boy.
He is my high every day,
he brings us so much joy.

Drained of all energy,
Leaving my job sounds tempting.
How else can I hold on to me?
But I wasn’t raised on quitting.

How does anyone balance?
The all consuming brain of motherhood
With everything else?
Nothing else stands a chance.

Only this matters.
Only our family,
And our marriage.

Priorities have shifted.
But if I don’t let go
Of all this strain
The crushing weight will never be lifted.

I don’t want to miss
His first word,
Crawl and step.
I know I am losing moments
That can’t be replaced.
No paycheck,
No good work,
Could mean more
Than seeing him grow.
If I’m not there enough,
Will he even know?
I’m his mommy,
But is that what our time shows?

Feels like we get very little
Time
And only one chance.

It all comes down to this-
What I once gave to willingly,
Was devoted to without question,
It…. it can no longer have
All my time and attention.

I am going rogue because
there has to be a balance.
A way to not feel-
Like I’m ripped apart.
When I started in this profession
It was truly from my heart-
To serve and help and teach-
A love of learning
Is always within reach.

I know these students are worthwhile,
They need someone to see past grades
And how they perform on tests.
They need teachers who believe in them
And they deserve the very best.
But this mommy has to give it a rest.

Fear of the unknown

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Most who know me know I don’t like change. Hate it usually. So naturally I find change scary. Because I am a creature of habit who tries desperately to avoid change. Sometimes I can let it glide past me without a pause in my stride but other times… it stops me in my tracks. So does fear. “Fear… he is a liar.” I don’t know if many of you have heard that in a popular Christian song lately but I turn it up every time it comes on. I need that reminder. I need that assurance. I need the 365 times it is said in the Bible. I know He wrote it that many times for people like me… people who can feel confident in what we know and what we are used to but we run from change, we run from fear, we run from failure. Failure is very scary to me. I am a competitive person. So failure is a natural fear to someone who likes winning as much as I do. My pastor this morning was talking about how God didn’t intend for us to compete… he was speaking in the context of marriage and I think in that context it is true… but in other areas of life, I absolutely believe competition pushes many to discover and be what they would not otherwise. This is sometimes good and bad. Sometimes competition can drive people crazy. I don’t get obsessed with 1st place. But I do seriously struggle with failure. With not finishing well, even if it isn’t 1st place I need to finish, and finish well. I need to feel proud of my work. I don’t usually need others to complement my work but I do need for them to feel I do a good job. I don’t think they have to say it but saying the opposite definitely has shook me. ‘Shook’, yet another new phrase I have learned through exposure to our youth. They always come up with interesting phrases. Shook is particularly interesting. It reminds me of an earthquake. Not that I have experienced an earthquake. But what else would ‘shook’ come from. So if shook means to tear apart at the very foundation of something… it sounds pretty accurate for my current predicament.

I always feel confident. I always push through. I always ‘buck up, buttercup.’ I have been doing this and doing it well my whole life. I haven’t been through the horrors that some have survived. Many would say I have led a blessed, sheltered existence. They would be right. But life is not without struggles. Life doesn’t care how loving your family is when you crash your car at 16, total the car after having your license 10 days. The car damage is a distant memory to the scars on my hand. But honestly even those scars have mostly healed with time. When my Dad noticed them the other day and was touched at my son holding my scarred, mangled finger, the one the surgeon would have cut off but chose to save ‘for cosmetic reasons’ instead, thinking I would never really be able to use it. That finger that I get to go about my day not thinking about now. Because honestly it isn’t a hindrance on my life. It has changed the way I type or hold things but honestly it has been 14 years so I don’t notice those changes unless I have cause to.

I don’t mean to brag about what I have overcome. I know many have overcome much, much more. I only include that struggle to say that my current predicament shouldn’t be having me ‘shook.’ I have been through much, much worse.

My current predicament is a question of confidence in part, of purpose in part, and of my future in full. I don’t know that I used to spend much time thinking about the future before. But now, I keep thinking ahead to milestones my son will see, to memories we will make with him and to learning who he is and who God has designed him to be. I keep thinking about how much of that I will be present for, how much I will actually be witness to in person, and how much I will miss while I work.

Work- the thing I used to love, very much. For many years it was my defining characteristic. I was a teacher. But now, when I think of what I am, I don’t think I would say teacher first in almost any circumstance. I would say mom, I would say wife, I would say daughter, sister, friend, Jesus follower, flawed human. I am still a teacher. But I have come to find my identity in so many more areas than just my job. I still love my job.. most days, like I’m sure many would say as well. But now… now that it doesn’t define me… I am able to prioritize all the other parts of me. And those parts need to be priority. I need them and they need me.

 

I don’t have any answers for the moment, so I will leave with this…. I don’t think any of us will ever look back from our death bed to wish we had worked more. No matter how purposeful and lovely that work may be.